G's v ESES/Warlingham

An ominous start to the weekend was gently kissed away as the sun tickled the tree tops adorning HQ at Saint Hill. Rain subsiding in the wee hours, it was game on.

Though, as it transpired the damage had already been done. EGRFC 3rd XV (affectionately known as the Dementia Ward AKA Veterans) were to face off against an unknown beast in the form of Warlingham Emergency Services side, which meant hopefully there would be many medics on hand to assist with the forthcoming myocardial infarctions and crumbling hips.

The mighty EGRFC were to field a motley crew, many of whom had reached their peak some decades prior. Though these seasoned geriatrics were not to be lambs to the slaughter, the team was wisely peppered with a smattering of local juvenile delinquents, and together, under the watchful eye of club stalwart Dan Arnold, they would form an unlikely band of brothers.

To say the ground was loose, could be considered an understatement, I would wager that mud, the likes of which was seen that day, had not been recorded since the battle of the Somme. From the off, scrummages were to be uncontested, allowing ‘the muscle’ to rest regularly with a hope to partake more in open play (ha!). This was clearly not a day for the back’s either as approaching anything close to ‘speed’ was nigh on impossible.

Following a swift warm up to preserve Pitch 3’s modesty, whistle was blown, and battle commenced. EGRFC lost the toss but were awarded the kick off and were to play away from the Pavilion for the first two quarters.

It is at this point, rather early on, that all detailed analysis of the game becomes pointless and the 30 bodies on display descend into chaos. The match has quickly become one of survival. Every thundering rumble from the tight five and penetrating line from the backs went nowhere, making ground through contact became the hardest challenge of all. Keeping hold of the ball itself felt impossible, no one-handed showboating today.

Lineouts were a shambles due to lack of grip, scrums, as previously mentioned were pointless and preconceived ‘moves’ were unplayable. The resulting score at the end of the first quarter, 0-0, the resulting score at the end of the second quarter 0-0 and you guessed it, the resulting score at the end of the third quarter 0-0.

Sixty minutes on the clock, it was all to play for. Forwards exhausted, rotating as the whirling dervish do, fresh blood was injected into the squad in the form of all round top bloke Mike Unsworth and I’m sure there were other changes too. At this point I hit the showers but have been reliably informed of the following; from a penalty on their own 5m line, Mark Fulham (aka Crazy) taps and goes. Conviction in his eyes and mud in his mouth, he dodges, ducks, dips, dives and dodges some more through the Warlingham XV to run 95m at probably 30mph, finishing with a power slide on his knees under the sticks. Try EGRFC! Everyone then looked away as Ben Gray took to the tee, from earlier observations it appeared as though he had never before kicked a ball from the floor, nevertheless, it was his time to shine. Gangly legs bent, uncommonly pert posterior extended, hands together, the world fell silent. With one wiggle of the famous posterior Ben lunged forward right boot connecting with the ball which thankfully followed a completely different trajectory from his warm up kicks and cleared the posts. Converted! Nothing else of note happened after that with only a few minutes left to go. Victory secured it was time for a slap up meal and a pint.

Notable chop tackles came from fellow swine; Rob Salvi, Rory Evans and Olive Morgan. Punchy lines run by Ryan Foster, Steve Lampkin, Crazy and Ben Gray. All in all, a real shift from every man, on the pitch.

Huge congrats also go to father and son duo Patrick and Dillan Bowe, Adam Flemming and Greg Brack, all playing their first ever game of club rugby!! Well done all. It does get less muddy - I promise!!